Do you know where you are and where you are not?
Welcome to the wonderful world of Boundaries
When I talk about boundaries, what I am really talking about is gaining an awareness of where you are and where you are not; what is in your realm of control and what is outside your realm of control.
Boundaries are meant to provide the container in which your own thoughts, beliefs, opinions and desires can exist separate from the thoughts, beliefs, opinions and desires of other people.
Boundaries are what define your space and place in the Universe - which is why walking around without them is so dangerous and damaging.
Because if you don’t have a space where your thoughts and opinions and desires can exist, what's the point?
Boundaries are the antidote to feeling hopeless, overwhelmed and anxious which is why learning how to set effective boundaries - and do it in a way that actually feels good for YOU - is the most important skillset you can learn.
Boundaries are meant to provide the container in which your own thoughts, beliefs, opinions and desires can exist separate from the thoughts, beliefs, opinions and desires of other people.
Boundaries are what define your space and place in the Universe - which is why walking around without them is so dangerous and damaging.
Because if you don’t have a space where your thoughts and opinions and desires can exist, what's the point?
Boundaries are the antidote to feeling hopeless, overwhelmed and anxious which is why learning how to set effective boundaries - and do it in a way that actually feels good for YOU - is the most important skillset you can learn.
At their core, boundaries are about understanding your wants, your needs, and your desires and then effectively sharing them in a way that empowers everyone involved
Conditions versus Boundaries
Too often, when we first start off on our boundary-setting journey, we put in place Conditions instead of actual Boundaries. In other words, we put up walls. These walls work really well and the good news is they help us to feel safer. The bad news is they also keep us feeling isolated and like we just don't fit in.
The solution is simple: learn the difference between Conditions and Boundaries.
The solution is simple: learn the difference between Conditions and Boundaries.
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Conditions are rigid and inflexible
Conditions are for others Conditions are enforced through punishment (shame, withdrawing affection) Conditions are designed to make the other person change their behaviour Conditions leads to manipulation, control and power struggles Conditions are about letting people know the rules they need to play by to be accepted by you Conditions are limits you create for others around what you are willing to accept Conditions create a toxic environment that breeds power struggles, resentment, contempt and selfishness Conditions forces all parties to hide their true feelings and beliefs for fear of punishment or other negative repercussions |
Boundaries are negotiable and flexible
Boundaries are for your Self Boundaries are enforced through feedback (click here to learn how to give effective feedback) Boundaries are designed to help us show up more authentically Boundaries leads to safety and intimacy Boundaries are about letting people know your wants and desires Boundaries are limits you create for your Self around what you are are willing to accept responsibility for and what is out of your realm of control Boundaries are about teaching other people how you like to be treated and letting them know your expectations from a place of compassion Boundaries create a safe container for unconditional love to flourish within and allow all parties to show up authentically without fear of punishment |
Conditional Love versus Unconditional Love
Putting up walls and setting a lot of Conditions in our life can only ever lead to Conditional Love which will be unfulfilling at best. Understanding how to achieve Unconditional Love (unconditional does not mean without boundaries!) is an important part of any healing journey.
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Conditional Love offers love contingent on the other person fulfilling certain conditions (transactional)
Conditional Love says "I can only love you when I am happy with you" Conditional Love keeps a runny tally of who did what and when and offers connection only in exchange for getting something back in return Conditional Love seeks to balance the books of love (whatever I give, you own me back) with an expectation of some sort of return on the investment Conditional Love only allows love to exist when all other negative emotions are managed or handled |
Unconditional Love is love offered without expectation of repayment
Unconditional Love seeks to offer love for the sole purpose of offering love - no strings attached Unconditional Love is designed to allow YOU to experience yourself as a loving Being Unconditional Love is created by offering connection, love and understanding, by accepting influence, by creating compromise and moving forward in a way that allows all parties to win Unconditional Love has healthy boundaries and limits |
The Boundaries Blueprint
A magical linguistic formula that makes speaking up and being heard super easy, super effective and super fun to use – I promise!
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STEP ONE: Say "I appreciate", "I respect", "I agree" or "I love you"
Tip: Avoid saying "I understand" which breaks rapport STEP TWO: Say "And" Tip: Avoid saying "But" which cuts off the first part of the sentence and breaks trust STEP THREE: Say "I would love __________"
Avoid saying "you" (i.e., "I would love YOU to ____") The Secret 4th Step: Once you say the single sentence you must BE QUIET!!!! You must let the other person speak first |
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What happens next???
After you have said this single sentence, give the other person time to process and respond.
Most likely they will "Yeah but" you by saying "Yeah but _____________" and then they will tell you all the reasons you are wrong and they are right and why you shouldn't feel the way you feel....etc.
THIS IS OKAY!!!!
Once they stop talking, you will say "Yes!" and then repeat Step 2, 3 and 4. Keep repeating these steps until either:
1. They give up and end the conversation in which case you're done!
2. You come to a point of negotiation or deeper communication
Most likely they will "Yeah but" you by saying "Yeah but _____________" and then they will tell you all the reasons you are wrong and they are right and why you shouldn't feel the way you feel....etc.
THIS IS OKAY!!!!
Once they stop talking, you will say "Yes!" and then repeat Step 2, 3 and 4. Keep repeating these steps until either:
1. They give up and end the conversation in which case you're done!
2. You come to a point of negotiation or deeper communication
Helpful tips to get you started!
- Setting a Boundary can feel feel-y so it is important to process your emotions first (see Anger Work)
- Getting yourself into a resourceful state make setting a Boundary feel better (see Bubbling & Grounding)
- Setting a Boundary has NOTHING TO DO WITH CHANGING THE OTHER PERSON'S BEHAVIOUR!!! It is about YOU hearing your Self say - OUT LOUD - "I would love ________".
- This is Manifestation 101 (no vision board required!)
- Getting yourself into a resourceful state make setting a Boundary feel better (see Bubbling & Grounding)
- Setting a Boundary has NOTHING TO DO WITH CHANGING THE OTHER PERSON'S BEHAVIOUR!!! It is about YOU hearing your Self say - OUT LOUD - "I would love ________".
- This is Manifestation 101 (no vision board required!)
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: What happens if they reject your Boundary?
A: Of course they will! This is your Boundary not theirs so they will very likely "Yeah but" you. And that's okay. You are not saying your Boundary to change their behaviour (because that would make it a condition). You are saying it because your wants deserve to have a voice.
Q: What if I don't know what I want?
A: Ah! Yes - then you have figured out why you are not getting any of your needs met. Your only job is to know what you want and how to get your needs met in a healthy way. If you don't even know what you want then you need to step away and figure it out before speaking up. This may require external support (click here to learn more about my Coaching programs)
A: Of course they will! This is your Boundary not theirs so they will very likely "Yeah but" you. And that's okay. You are not saying your Boundary to change their behaviour (because that would make it a condition). You are saying it because your wants deserve to have a voice.
Q: What if I don't know what I want?
A: Ah! Yes - then you have figured out why you are not getting any of your needs met. Your only job is to know what you want and how to get your needs met in a healthy way. If you don't even know what you want then you need to step away and figure it out before speaking up. This may require external support (click here to learn more about my Coaching programs)
No matter how much we want to help people or how much we want to change them, we have zero control over what someone else says or does.
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