How to set Boundaries
without feeling like a total d*ck
Conditions are rigid and inflexible
Conditions are for others Conditions are enforced through punishment (shame, withdrawing affection) Conditions are designed to make the other person change their behaviour Conditions leads to manipulation, control and power struggles Conditions are about letting people know the rules they need to play by to be accepted by you Conditions are limits you create for others around what you are willing to accept Conditions create a toxic environment that breeds power struggles, resentment, contempt and selfishness Conditions forces all parties to hide their true feelings and beliefs for fear of punishment or other negative repercussions |
Boundaries are negotiable and flexible
Boundaries are for your Self Boundaries are enforced through feedback (click here to learn how to give effective feedback) Boundaries are designed to help us show up more authentically Boundaries leads to safety and intimacy Boundaries are about letting people know your wants and desires Boundaries are limits you create for your Self around what you are are willing to accept responsibility for and what is out of your realm of control Boundaries are about teaching other people how you like to be treated and letting them know your expectations from a place of compassion Boundaries create a safe container for unconditional love to flourish within and allow all parties to show up authentically without fear of punishment |
Conditional Love offers love contingent on the other person fulfilling certain conditions (transactional)
Conditional Love says "I can only love you when I am happy with you" Conditional Love keeps a runny tally of who did what and when and offers connection only in exchange for getting something back in return Conditional Love seeks to balance the books of love (whatever I give, you own me back) with an expectation of some sort of return on the investment Conditional Love only allows love to exist when all other negative emotions are managed or handled |
Unconditional Love is love offered without expectation of repayment
Unconditional Love seeks to offer love for the sole purpose of offering love - no strings attached Unconditional Love is designed to allow YOU to experience yourself as a loving Being Unconditional Love is created by offering connection, love and understanding, by accepting influence, by creating compromise and moving forward in a way that allows all parties to win Unconditional Love has healthy boundaries and limits |
STEP ONE: Say "I appreciate", "I respect", "I agree" or "I love you"
Tip: Avoid saying "I understand" which breaks rapport STEP TWO: Say "And" Tip: Avoid saying "But" which cuts off the first part of the sentence and breaks trust STEP THREE: Say "I would love __________"
Avoid saying "you" (i.e., "I would love YOU to ____") The Secret 4th Step: Once you say the single sentence you must BE QUIET!!!! You must let the other person speak first |